Sarah did as her brother said and went to urgently contact the other ships. Not too long after she'd finished the other ships moved formation and formed a tight wall around the larger ship.
"Penny-Nichole, I need you up here now!" Gregor hollered through the intercoms this time.
Penny-Nichole darted around the ship's weapons, tweaking things here and there. When she heard Gregor's call she rushed up to the cockpit.
"What's up, Pops?" She planted herself into the co-pilot's seat and ignored his irritation of her nickname for him.
"I need you to hack into the ship's weapon's system, override the limitation setting, and get us past max power. We can beat them, but damn it we may need a miracle." Gregor was slowly managing to make it towards the enemy, but they were going to need more power fast. The closer he was getting to Kellan's forces, the closer Kellan and his army was to reaching them and they were not as ready for another attack as Gregor would have liked for them to have been.
"I'm on it." In mere moments, Penny-Nichole had the weapons system open and was overriding the limitations. In almost no time at all she had completed her task. Gregor looked at her from the corner of his eye. The girl had done a lot of growing over the past eight years and, though he wouldn't ever tell her, she was better at hacking systems than he was. He was proud of the way she held such a righteous sense of justice, no matter what bad the world threw at her. She knew what good and what evil was in the world but she never let it bring her down. She only ever let it drive her more towards their goal.
"Good. Now I want you to man the lasers and aim for Kellan. This gun should now be strong enough to sweep them out. You go for it, girl, but remember: we only have one shot." Gregor held up his hand for her to shake.
Penny-Nichole gave him a smile and grabbed Gregor's fist before turning back to the laser. Her face went from happy and smiling to dead-set and determined. Penny-Nichole focused the gun, took a deep breath, and flicked the little red trigger to fire.
A brilliant blue and purple light shot through space and directly into the engines of Kellan's ship. The spacecraft exploded, the debris catching and destroying the smaller brother ship next to Kellan's.
The Hunters had won this round. The mother ship was safe. Cheers and excitement rang through the transmitters from the other crafts.
Gregor turned and gave Penny-Nichole a victory fist bump, Penny-Nichole jumped with excitement and hugged Sarah who came rushing in to see the aftermath.
"I knew we could do it! Nothing is going to take our dear mothership from us! Scoundrels, thinking they could take her for their own stupid ideals. Pops, don't they know how much good she does for everyone? I still don't understand why they are trying so hard to take her from us." Penny-Nichole sat back down looking more determined than ever.
Author's note:
This story is based off of the chapter "Battle with Khara." My bounty hunters (Sarah, Gregor, and Penny-Nichole) are all supposed to represent Rama, while the other ships are Lakshmana and the mother ship is representing Sita. It sticks pretty true to the story. They fight the bad guy and end up killing him and his bad guy brother. The weapons Rama uses are special godly weapons and the bounty hunters manage to make their weapons pretty godly. The only main difference was the setting and the names of the characters as well as their relationships between one another. After my revisions I tried to start building the different characteristics of Rama into the different characters. I think it will take a few more stories to be apparent, but I wanted to at least start getting the idea into people's heads that Penny-Nichole is the righteous warrior side of Rama while Gregor is the wiser, calmer side of Rama. None of my characters much fit his devoted lover side so I may start to transform Sarah into Lakshmana, but we will see how things turn out. The end of the story doesn't fit much with the original story that this is based off of, but it sets me up better to create my characters more as well as easily lead into a new adventure!
If you would like to read a little more about some of Gregor and Sarah Strike's adventures you can go to my old storybook here: Planet of the Cats Storybook
If you want to read even MORE of their exciting adventures, here is my old blog: SageCastle21 blog
Bibliography:
Battle with Khara
Written by: Donald A. Mackenzie
The little bits of history you manage to embed in such a small tale made for some nice layering! Parts like “The girl had done a lot of growing…though he wouldn’t ever tell her” add not only a sense of continuity (they’ve been together for years) but a hint of their relationship (star pupil and gruff but proud teacher). When I read your author’s note about how all of the hunters are supposed to collectively represent Rama, though, that same dynamic became kind of confusing. Is there a way you could bring out nuggets of personality for Sarah, Penny-Nichole, and Gregor—using the same kinds of devices you already do—in a way that reflects things we see in Rama throughout his story? (For example, Rama can be a righteous and angry warrior, a gentle lover, or a wise, even-minded ruler, but isn’t always all at once.) I also liked how you used a sci-fi space battle to create the same kind of fighting excitement that a lot of the epics create through special weapons and spirit powers. It might also be cool if the ships that stand in for Sita and Lakshmana each had a special or distinct role in the story, however brief.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of making each of the characters represent a different aspect of Rama. And I like the idea of trying to make the ships have a special role, that should be easier to do in the next story. I think those are brilliant ideas and now I can't wait to write my next story! Thank you so much for the suggestion!
DeleteI liked the concept you presented. The way you made Rama into three different characters was interesting to me. I've never seen that done. I read your author's note before to understand the story better, and I'm glad I did because it made the story more interesting. Although I usually don't like reading about fight scenes, this one actually kept my attention the whole way through.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very fun story to read! I liked how you separated Rama into three different characters...I think that is a really cool technique. The way that you wrote it in a sci-fi fashion is a fun idea because it makes the story much more modern and easier to understand. I also liked the detail you gave when Penny-Nichole went from goofing around to focused in a matter of seconds.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you adapted the motif version of storytelling? It is very interesting. This is the first time I am reading any of your stories, so I was lost through most of it, but your Author's Note helped explain a lot. As long as you have a good introduction to your portflio that can set up the parallels between the original and your story, I think it would be less confusing. Your writing is superb though! I love the vivid descriptions and commentary. Maybe making the names more similar to the originals would also help cue the audience into which character you took inspiration from. Maybe the mother ship could be named Sita! Or perhaps something similar to the literal translation of her name, "furrow". To draw more parallels between Ravana and Kellan, you could give him extra appendages if he is an alien. I do like splitting Rama into more than one person because he does seem to have his warrior side and his lover side. Another alternative would be to have Hanuman and Lakshmana by his side instead.
ReplyDeleteNot going to lie, at first I was so lost on how this had any relation to the epic. But once I read your author's note I could totally see it! You changed the story so much but managed to still stick so closely to the storyline! That can be such a challenge. I really love that you're developing you characters to be different parts of Rama. I would have never thought of something like that, so clever! It will give you a lot more diversity in your stories to be able to have multiple characters with different values and personalities rather than one character who possesses all of them. I like the relationship between Penny-Nichole and Gregor too. And I particularly like Penny-Nichole and her fearless determination and optimistic attitude! Your story was easy to follow and fun to read. Very fast and action packed, definitely held my attention! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really like how you shifted the story of the Ramayana into a sci-fi setting. There are lots of adaptations set in modern times, but you don't see many adaptations set in space. It gives you a chance to create new types of rakshasa alien beings and to give "Rama" even more fantastic weapons. I'd be interested to read more about these characters' time spent in isolation from their kingdom.
ReplyDeleteYou gave a good sense of the tension of the battle. I could easily imagine these ships facing off in the depth of space.
While I was a little confused at first, I eventually saw how this was tied to the Ramayana. Given that this is part of a larger story, it would have been much easier to read through any introductory material before going to this one. Perhaps you could provide a little backstory during Gregor's thoughts. It would give readers a better idea of what exactly he and his sister have been doing for the past eight years.
Hi, Sage! I just want to start of by saying this is much different than anything I have read so far and I mean that in a good way! I never would have guessed I would be reading a Sci-Fi related story, but this did not disappoint. You did such a wonderful job of really visualizing what was happening in your story. I honestly felt like I was watching a space related TV show or movie. It was that good. I really like how you explained in your author's note that the ships are supposed to represent various characters in the Ramayana. This is extremely unique. I also think you did a flawless job of cutting your story down to an appropriate length. It was absolutely perfect. It wasn't too short but it also did not exceed in longevity. Overall, this was a strong piece to add to your portfolio. I definitely need to read some of your other stories as I see they all relate! Great work!
ReplyDeleteHello Sage! I really enjoyed your story it was very creative and original! It had a very Star Trekish feel to the whole story which was pretty cool! There was a lot of action in this story which I find to be very interesting since all of the action was in outer space. That was definitely refreshing since most of everything we are reading in this class is all arrows and swords with a few Godly weapons. You were also able to give a very good visual representation of the laser that Penny used in the mother ship that perfectly illustrated the Rama’s weapon in the original story! I was a little lost about what story you were using until I read the author’s note but once I read that the story made a lot more sense. After I read over the story the second time I like how you gave Penny the one shot ultimatum like they do with Luke from Star Wars. I’m not sure if you meant to do that but never the less I really enjoyed it! Great Job!
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